A few days ago we celebrated J’s first birthday and I can’t believe how fast this past year has gone. While celebrating this important milestone in my little man’s life, I realized that no gift he receives will compare to the gift he has given me.
You see, six months before we found out we were expecting J, we found out we were expecting our second child. Only a few weeks later, we learned that the baby was not growing fast enough and within a week, that beautiful but slow heart beat had stopped.
It did not matter to me how far along we were. The minute that baby was conceived, it was a life just as full and important as you and me. The loss I felt afterward was unlike anything I have ever experienced. It felt as though the air had been taken out of the room and I was suffocating. I could not comprehend a reason why this child was taken away from us. But then, God gave us J and I started to understand.
I may never fully understand God’s plan for my family but I do take comfort in knowing he has a plan. That plan means keeping one of our children with him while giving us the gift of J. Selfishly, I want all my children here, in this life with us but I know it would have been physically impossible. I realize that if I hadn’t lost our baby, we wouldn’t have J. Knowing this doesn’t take away the pain but I look at J and know without a doubt that he is here for a reason.
It’s a natural way of life I suppose, healing from loss by celebrating new life. If I ever find myself longing for the child I have yet to meet, one look at J’s smiling face and a sense of peace washes over me. I don’t need all the answers, I have everything I need.
Thank you J and Happy Birthday. We love you unconditionally.